When we see the beauty of the snow, when we see the beauty of the full moon, when we see the beauty of the cherries in bloom, when in short we brush against and are awakened by the beauty of the four seasons, it is then that we think most of those close to us, and want them to share the pleasure. (Yasunari Kawabata)
Books are like seeds: they come to life when you read them, and grow spines and leaves. I need trees around me as I need books around me, so building bookshelves is something like planting trees.
Roger Deakin, Notes from Walnut Tree Farm (London: Penguin, 2009), p. 24.
I too need trees around me when I read, but I also need water. Books are like seeds indeed and water brings them to life. I read in the water - or at least in the proximity of water - whenever I can: in the bath (at home or at the local onsen), in the sauna, in the rain, in the snow... All my books, except for library ones and those borrowed from friends, bear the imprint of the place where I read them. They are vital to my sense of place.
The books undergo amazing metamorphoses and get all creased and dog-eared - and strangely light. Some even develop fungi, like a living organism, a tree.
that you are still what you are immovable a stone bearing all the imprints of wind & weather yet unchangeable still I I fly above the whole thing grow younger everyday crackless, forgetful perhaps that you still hold my hand & kiss & cuddle despite the all & everything makes one, anyone wonder
Well, I feel just like a child Yeah, I feel just like a child Well, I feel just like a child Well, I feel just like a child From my womb to my tomb I guess I'll always be a child
Well, some people try and treat me like a man Yeah, some people try and treat me like a man Well, I guess they just don't understand Yeah, some people try and treat me like a man They think I know shit But that's just it I'm a child
Well, I need you to tell me what to wear I need you to help and comb my hair Yeah I need you to come and tie my shoes Yeah I need you to come and keep me amused From my cave to my grave I guess I'll always be a child
I need you to help me reach the door And I need you to walk me to the store And I need you to please explain the war And I need you to heal me when I'm sore You can tell by my smile That I'm a child
And I need you to sit me on your lap And I need you to make me take my nap Could you first pull out a book and Read me some of that Cause I need you to make me take my nap
And I need you to recognize my friends Cause they're there even though You don't see them They got their own chair, plate, and a seat You know I won't touch my food Unless they eat From the roof to the floor I crawl around some more I'm a child
And I need you to help me blow my nose And I need you to help me count my toes And I need you to help me put on my clothes And I need you to hide it when it shows From being my daddy's sperm To being packed in an urn I'm a child
And when I steal you gotta Slap me til I cry Don't you stop til the tears run dry See I was born thinking under the sky I didn't belong to a couple of old wise guys From sucking on my mama's breast To when they lay my soul to rest I'm a child
Well, I'm a little child Well, I'm a little child I guess I'll always be a little child
I often don't know whether to laugh or to cry at some guys who pout feminist rhetoric and all its abstractions & stereotypes, but deep down are scared to death of real, assertive, independent women. And who needs the phoney protection of these chaps, when their ingrained misogyny & bad faith come to the surface at the least provocation?
Mentally little boys still clinging to mommy's skirt, no wonder they prefer to stick to their own kind (and to mommy's skirt), with whom they can indulge in their little fits of temper and live in eternal childhood, amen.
Now, is it my impression or these little horrors are mushrooming everywhere like sinister clones? O, masculinity, masculinity, where art thou going...? [sigh]
Some things haven't changed that much as far as being a woman is concerned. How very often, to make yourself lovable, gentle, graceful, sweet, dependable (and dependent), etc., in other people's eyes - both men and women - you feel compelled to camouflage your professional ambitions, desires, not to mention your brain. As if all these things were exclusive, incompatible.
My clinical experience and reading convince me that the repressed is gendered in the sense that women in our culture tend to repress distinctive aspects of the self which are bound up with autonomy and aggression. One dimension of what is repressed is women's non-object related ambition and interest in exerting various sorts of mastery: interpersonal, intellectual, or creative. Both men's and women's sense of gender and the self partially grow out of and are dependent upon the repression of women's desire and ambition. Both genders maintain an active interest in forestalling or prohibiting the return of this repressed material.
Jane Flax, "Re-membering the Selves: Is the Repressed Gendered?" Michigan Quarterly Review (1987): 92.
Baby I finally know what I'm goin' after I'm learnin to let in all the laughter holy moly yer so funny you crack me up you crack me up look out for dreams that keep returnin' cause magik ain't no hand me down yearnin' you gotta feel it gotta want it the way I want you babe travellin' by choo choo train we know where but we just don't know when like some everlastin' onion pulled by love never heard a better bad joke said out loud you flipflop wild out can you believe it? I can't believe it but its true! You're givin 80 billion years of gigglin' a whole new world to live in but this one's real this one's real this one's real like some bow tied kangaroo you be one I'll be one too play it goofy or play it cool were on our minds everything that happened it don't mean a thing to us cause so much is gonna happen because you showed me a sunset overflowin' but who cares where its going as long as you're next to me
(Lyrics by Devendra Banhart, transcribed from the album What We Will Be, 2009).
Little yellow spider, laughing at the snow Ah, maybe that spider knows something that I don't know 'Cause I'm goddamn cold
Little white monkey, staring at the sand Well, maybe that monkey figured out something I couldn't understand Who knows?
Well, I came upon a dancing crab, and I stopped to watch it shake I said, "Dance for me just one more time Before you hibernate and you come out a crab cake"
Hey there, little snapping turtle, snapping at a shell Ah, there's mysteries inside, I know But what they are I just can't tell for sure
And hey ya, little baby crow, you're looking kinda mean I think I outta spit before you start letting off your steam For sure
And hey there, little sexy pig, you made it with a man And you're got a little kid with hooves instead of hands
And oh, all the animals All the animals
And hey there, little mockingbird, they sing about you in songs Ah, where you been? Have you broke a wing? I haven't heard you in so long
And hey there, little albatross, swimming in the air Ah c'mon, you know I can't fly And I, I think we really outta play fair
And hey there, Mr. happy squid, you move so psychadelically You hypnotize with your magic dance all the animals in the sea For sure
And oh, all the animals All the animals
And hey there, Mr. morning sun, what kind of creature are you? I can't stare, but I know you're there Goddamn, how I wish I knew
And hey there, Mrs. lovely moon, you're lonely and you're blue It's kinda strange, the way you change But then again, we all do too
When I understood the terrible thing: that her body had gone bad, dry, spoiled, mutilated, I made an image of my love; not the comfortable image that a poet would put on a shelf in a tower, but one that would grow big in the Desert, where blood would be water.
Sorley MacLean, From Wood to Ridge: Collected Poems in Gaelic and English Translation (Manchester: Carcanet, 1999), p. 191.
It is not the beauty of your body, the beauty shaped in your face, the beauty blinding my eyes though it has gone beyond thought; but the beauty of the spirit that took form in your face, the beauty of the spirit, the heart marrow of my love.
The homemade videos of Manafon have begun appearing on YouTube - and I can't resist uploading some of them. Still awaiting my favourite tracks, though.
David Sylvian, Small metal Gods
It's the farthest place I've ever been It's a new frontier for me And you balance things Like you wouldn't believe When you should just let things be
Yes, you juggle things Cause you can't lose sight Of the wretched story-line It's the narrative that must go on Until the end of time
And you're guilty of some self neglect And the mind unravels for days I've told you once Yes, a thousand times I'm better off this way I'm better off this way
Where's my queen of hearts My royal flush I have cleaned and scrubbed her decks My suicide, my better days There's nothing I regret
I've placed the Gods In a zip-lok bag I've put them in a drawer They've refused my prayers For the umpteenth time So I'm evening up the score
Small metal Gods From a casting line From a factory in Mumbai Some manual labourer's bread and butter And a single-minded lie
Small metal Gods Cheap souvenirs You've abandoned me for sure I'm dumping you, my childish things I'm evening up the score.
Across eternity, across its snows, I see my unwritten poems, I see the spoor of their paws dappling the untroubled whiteness of the snow: bristles raging, bloody-tongued, lean greyhounds and wolves leaping over the tops of the dykes, running under the shade of the trees of the wilderness, taking the defile of narrow glens, making for the steepness of windy mountains; their baying yell shrieking across the hard bareness of the terrible times, their everlasting barking in my ears, their onrush seizing my mind: career of wolves and eerie dogs swift in pursuit of the quarry, through the forest without veering, over the mountain tops without sheering; the mild mad dogs of poetry, beauty of soul and face, a white deer over hills and plains, the deer of your gentle beloved beauty, a hunt without halt, without respite.
Sorley MacLean, 'Dogs and Wolves' in From Wood to Ridge: Collected Poems (Manchester: Carcanet, 1999), p. 135.
A brief, beautiful respite from the daily drudgery. And can you wish yourself and your beloved anything else? Kites of red, feather beds, moments without sadness - all that really matters at the end of the day.
We will wake as light is draped Like ribbons on the trees With woven tongues and fingers spun Between these dusty knees
The branches crack beneath my back We sigh like sleeping tigers The forest stirs and shrugs the birds From shoulders stooped in silence
And they sing for joy
We are engineers and we are architects Making better guesses and empty threats It was all for something, and there’s nothing wrong We know what is coming and what is to be done
Bones will arc and cradle sparks From circuits smudged in bliss The newborn blush that makes us drunk On every little kiss
We are happy scientists Our theories long abandoned For kites of red and feather beds For moments without sadness
Well, I certainly wouldn't define this as a 'sunny' musical landscape, but it isn't gloomy or somber either. I guess it exists, alongside the most interesting things in life, somewhere in the interstices, between (or beyond?) darkness and light, a sort of chiaroscuro - or 明暗 (meian), as you'd put it in Japanese. Yonderhead, yonderhead...
Yonderhead (Thomas Feiner)
My spine and leverage Were not mine Some items borrowed And now gone
Pick me up, animate me, render me Take me back, to the ghosts Of the day
Lend me a life Put me on a loop again Define, define me ‘yonderhead’
My plots and purposes Were not mine Just items borrowed And now gone
Hook me up and ignite me, play the coarse Bring me back, to the ghosts Of the day
Lend me a life Put me on a loop again Define, define me ‘yonderhead’
Lend me a life Put me on a loop again Just spine me up for liberty and hopes Liberties and hopes, and liberties and hopes Define me And bind me And I’ll crawl the pretty path I’ll crawl the pretty path...
To those friends fed-up-with-the-smiths who have kindly suggested that I vent my grievances through sunnier musical landscapes, here you go...
Queixa / Grievance (Caetano Veloso)
Um amor assim delicado Você pega e despreza Não o devia ter despertado
Ajoelha e não reza Dessa coisa que mete medo Pela sua grandeza Não sou o único culpado Disso eu tenho a certeza
Princesa, surpresa, você me arrasou Serpente, nem sente que me envenenou Senhora, e agora me diga onde eu vou Senhora, serpente, princesa
Um amor assim violento Quando torna-se mágoa É o avesso de um sentimento Oceano sem água Ondas, desejos de vingança Nessa desnatureza Batem forte sem esperança Contra a tua dureza
Princesa, surpresa, você me arrasou Serpente, nem sente que me envenenou Senhora, e agora me diga onde eu vou Senhora, serpente, princesa
Um amor assim delicado Nenhum homem daria Talvez tenha sido pecado Apostar na alegria Você pensa que eu tenho tudo E vazio me deixa Mas Deus não quer que eu fique mudo E eu te grito essa queixa
Princesa, surpresa, você me arrasou Serpente, nem sente que me envenenou Senhora, e agora me diga onde eu vou Amiga, me diga...
If you want to know what it's like to be a tree, sleep with a cat on your bed and feel it manoeuvering and exploring your curves and hollows for the most comfortable nest.
Roger Deakin, Notes from Walnut Tree Farm (London: Penguin, 2009), p. 136.
Girl afraid Where do his intentions lay? Or does he even have any?
She said : "He never really looks at me I give him every opportunity..." In the room downstairs She sat and stared... In the room downstairs She sat and stared... "I'll never make that mistake again !"
I'll never make that mistake again... I'll never make that mistake again...
Boy afraid Prudence never pays And everything she wants costs money
"But she doesn't even like me ! And I know because she said so..." In the room downstairs She sat and stared... In the room downstairs She sat and stared... "I'll never make that mistake again!"
My friend who loves owls Has been with me all day Walking at my ear And speaking of old summers When to speak was easy. His eyes are almost gone Which made him hear well. Under our feet the great Glacier drove its keel. What is to read there Scored out in the dark? Later the north-west distance Thickened towards us. The blizzard grew and proved Too filled with other voices High and desperate For me to hear him more. I turned to see him go Becoming shapeless into The shrill swerving snow.
The struggle to communicate, to reach beyond yourself and your ghosts. The ice slowly melting, the promise of warmth, proximity. The entailing sense of loss when the ice returns, unexpected, and distance wins again the upper hand.
It is between the two territories that friendship & love are negotiated and eventually flourish, I guess. But not when through neglect or inertia or insecurity you let the ice insidiously accumulate.
Negotiating with the snow has never been easy and there are some painful lessons to learn - just ask the dwellers of the snow country, observe them in their daily struggle.
"Once I wanted to prove the world was sick. Now I want to prove it healthy. The detection of sickness means that death has established itself as an element of the timetable; it has come within the range of the measurable. Where there is no time there is no sickness."
Roy Fisher, from "City" in The Dow Low Drop: New and Collected Poems (Newcastle: Bloodaxe, 1996), p. 27.
So do I, so do I. That's why this winter vacation, after having cursorily dispatched the season's greetings, I made a vow of (temporary) timelessness. No emails, phone calls, and let alone facebooks, twitters & other such follies: dear friends & colleagues and, above all, dearest arse-lickers planning to pester me with selfish requests, I'll be incommunicado till further notice.
Not away from the world, but more fully immersed in it, hopefully, among the snow and the trees, in the shadows, away from the crude light that separates and divides everything into watertight compartments, into senseless schedules.
'The nightwalker, on a terrace in the garden, unaccompanied, hardly aware of it, half hopes to overhear - that haunting thing. Something that hovers, maybe hovers only just beyond the rim. A thing that he has not thought of yet, that no one ever heard.'
David Gascoyne, 'Night Thoughts', in Selected Poems (Enitharmon: London, 1994), p. 230.
The workload verges on madness at this time of the year - I seldom leave the office before midnight. Never in a hurry, I live up to the (bad) reputation of being a 'my pace' person, existing in the interstices, oblivious to the stringent routines of clock time and of other people.
Walking the deserted streets after the last train has this eerie but strangely appeasing effect. In limbo, when real silence and the nothingness of the world dawn on you and everything falls into place. You fear nothing, can fear nothing, because all the chitter-chatter of the day and its petty concerns weigh nothing, nothing against the immensity of this silence, against this indifference of the stars.
Of the silence that most fear and muffle with all sorts of noise and errands, I have made a home. Between worlds, nor day nor night, nowhere - everywhere. A most uncomfortable place to be, but a home. Where you can hear your own footsteps on the ground, your own small, very small heartbeat - and the earth's. Incommensurable.
It happens more often than you'd like to, especially in places where people have been moulded into a mask of phoneyness that becomes their very face.
Where you'd hope to see candour, feelings, flesh & blood, you quickly realise you're just seeing dried-out, amorphous things through a carefully crafted veil of ice. Translucent, but beyond reach.
What they don't realise is that some keen observers can actually see through the 'mystery' pose - and the sight is seldom pretty.
Nothing, nothing is more disappointing than banality and narrow-mindedness disguised as aloofness.
Has just arrived from the other side of the world (thanks, Papa!), and I can hardly wait to bury myself in it.
An eye-opener, a friend tells me, reminding us how far, far removed from any form of freedom we are - and how sadly repressed. Too high a price for 'civilization'?...
From the blurb (original Portuguese version here):
Men are what they are by their nature. While one might say this is too vague a definition, it actually contains a precise, raw and true meaning. Nature is, as the English term indicates, drive, impulse, compulsion and the omnipotence of desire, what stems from that which is before reflection and judgement, what is and exists as necessity - to breathe, to eat, to have sex, and sometimes to be aggressive. Always, everywhere, all this is necessary as the condition of life, and all this is desired, and it is desired because it is good, because it quenches necessity, and quenching necessity gives pleasure. And what the Bororo teach us is precisely this: the more man is capable of overcoming nature, the more he is capable of recognizing himself as part of it.
Filipe Verde, O Homem Livre: Mito, Moral e Carácter numa Sociedade Ameríndia (Coimbra: Angelus Novus, 2009). [The Free Man: Myth, Morals and Character in an Amerindian Society; my translation]
to all the phoneys, sweet talkers who pamper you when they need you and constantly pester you with requests but deep down don't really give a damn and are never there for you when you need them (and in fact don't even know you) and all of a sudden are full of fake wounded feelings when you tell them to buzz off and have the nerve to call you 'bitchy' and 'difficult' - here's a little song, in dedication - and in response... Enjoy!
Bigmouth Strikes Again
Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking When I said I’d like to smash every tooth In your head
Oh ... sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking When I said by rights you should be Bludgeoned in your bed
And now I know how Joan of Arc felt Now I know how Joan of Arc felt, oh As the flames rose to a Roman nose And her walkman started to melt Oh ...
Bigmouth, la ... bigmouth, la ... Bigmouth strikes again I’ve got no right to take my place In the human race
Oh, bigmouth, ha ha ... bigmouth, la Bigmouth strikes again I’ve got no right to take my place In the human race
And now I know how Joan of Arc felt Now I know how Joan of Arc felt, oh As the flames rose to a Roman nose And her hearing aid started to melt Eek!
Oh, bigmouth, la ... bigmouth, la ... Bigmouth strikes again I’ve got no right to take my place With the human race Oh ...
Bigmouth, oh ... bigmouth, la ... Bigmouth strikes again I’ve got no right to take my place In the human race
And now I know how Joan of Arc felt Now I know how Joan of Arc felt, oh As the flames rose to a Roman nose And her hearing aid started to melt Oh !
Oh, bigmouth, oh ... bigmouth, la ... Bigmouth strikes again I’ve got no right to take my place In the human race Oh ...
Bigmouth, oh ... bigmouth, la ... Bigmouth strikes again I’ve got no right to take my place In the human race Oh ...
This year, with all the hustle and bustle of work, work, work, I've almost criminally lost my beloved momiji at their most beautiful. I still managed to capture them today, flaming crimson in the late afternoon sun, preparing for death. Resplendent, in extremis.
You disappeared in the four lines that preceded this one; or else your smile left, for you always lived in your smile, green rain on the leaves, your smile, a flutter of wings at the wrist, your smile, and that taste, that burning of light on the lips, when the lips are the murmur of sun in the streets, your smile.
Eugénio de Andrade, Close to Speech, trans. Alexis Levitin (Lancaster, CA: Red Dancefloor, 2000).
Another all-time fave, with same implicit dedication. Yes, it's now happening in mine too.
That joke isn't funny anymore
Park the car at the side of the road You should know Time's tide will smother you And I will too... When you laugh about people who feel so Very lonely Their only desire is to die Well, I'm afraid It doesn't make me smile I wish I could laugh...
But that joke isn't funny anymore It's too close to home And it's too near the bone It's too close to home And it's too near the bone More than you'll ever know ...
Kick them when they fall down Kick them when they fall down You kick them when they fall down Kick them when they fall down You kick them when they fall down Kick them when they fall down You kick them when they fall down Kick them when they fall down...
It was dark as I drove the point home And on cold leather seats Well, it suddenly struck me I just might die with a smile on my Face after all
I've seen this happen in other people's Lives And now it's happening in mine...
I've seen this happen in other people's Lives And now it's happening in mine...
I've seen this happen in other people's Lives And now it's happening in mine...
I've seen this happen in other people's Lives And now it's happening in mine
I've seen this happen in other people's Lives And now it's happening in mine... Happening in mine Happening in mine Happening in mine Happening in mine...
I've seen this happen in other people's Lives And now, now, now it's happening in mine (I've seen this happen) Happening in mine Now, now...
Call me an anachronism - and I certainly am one, more and more - but the Smiths are still one of those bands whose songs still say '[something] to me about my life', to parapharase another great song of theirs.
Here goes an eternal fave, with implicit dedication.
HOW SOON IS NOW?
I am the son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar I am the son and heir of nothing in particular
You shut your mouth how can you say I go about things the wrong way? I am human and I need to be loved just like everybody else does
I am the son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar I am the son and the heir Of nothing in particular
You shut your mouth how can you say I go about things the wrong way? I am human and I need to be loved just like everybody else does
There's a club, if you'd like to go you could meet somebody who really loves you so you go, and you stand on your own and you leave on your own and you go home and you cry and you want to die
When you say it's gonna happen 'now', well, when exactly do you mean? See, I've already waited too long and all my hope is gone
I am human and I need to be loved just like everybody else does