back in limbo (2)

We had the experience but missed the meaning...
--T. S. Eliot, 'The Dry Salvages', l. 93.


Such a relief to be back, as usual. Yet impossible at the same time to avoid a sense of desolation and heartbreak.

As usual.

The feeling overhelmed me once again this morning as the plane was making its slow descent over the bay, and the drifting ships, the neat configuration of the land, the general drabness of the houses gradually took shape. All so orderly, predictable, depthless.

Remote.

Japan is the strangest of non-places indeed, giving you a numbing sense of security, which the recent catastrophe has proved to be fragile, way too fragile after all.

Over the years, this amorphous existence benumbs you to a point when you no longer feel the ground beneath your feet, while constantly reminding you that groundedness and depth are the things you most long for - and will never find here.

Never.

You long to leave, but something holds you back, somehow.

And thus you long and linger, year after year - and life goes by.

Even though the moment of truth eventually arrives when you are compelled to break the impasse and leave for good, you remain clueless as to why this impasse should have ever existed from the outset.

And not even the song you listen to like a mantra in these trying times provides an answer. It just adds to the mystery.

Which is fine.

*       *       *

Can't let it be
When least expected there she is
Gone the time and space that separates us

And I'm not safe
I think I need a second skin
No, I'm not safe

World citizen
World citizen


I want to travel by night

Across the steppes and over seas
I want to understand the cost
Of everything that's lost
I want to pronounce all their names correctly

World citizen
World citizen
I won't be disappointed
I won't be

She doesn't laugh
We've gone from comedy to commerce
And she doesn't feel the ground she walks upon


I turn away

And I'm not sleeping well at night
And while I know this isn't right
What can you do?


--David Sylvian and Ryuichi Sakamoto, World Citizen - I Won't Be Disappointed.